Happy Birthday, Elaine!

My niece, Elaine, is 13 today, old enough to be subjected to embarrassing stories of her childhood.

(Elaine, you should know that Simon and I plan to fly to Utah for your first date. We'll embarrass you by asking your date awkward questions, telling him dorky stories about you, and insisting on taking photos.)

Top Ten Quotations from Elaine

1. To a table of boring grown-ups at Christmas dinner: “No adults talking!”
2. On having to resist opening a bag of treats I put together to entertain her on the flight back to Utah: “Things can get pretty desperate.”
3. In response to “Elaine, you’re being a little devil”: “I’m not little!”
4. In the car whenever the driver dared brake for, say, a stop sign or red light: “Why are we slooowwwing?”
5. One morning at Elaine’s house when Simon and I woke up to find Jane and Paul had gone to the lab: “Let’s have chocolate cake for breakfast!”
6. The same morning, in a conspiratorial whisper, “I know where Daddy keeps his scissors!”
7. On accompanying me to the bathroom: “Your bum-bum is bigger than my bum-bum.” (Well, duh.)
8. Upon having the door opened on her after she had run around her grandparents' house naked 15 minutes: "Don't look. I'm changing clothes!"
   
9. After licking an ice cream bowl clean: “Mommy, you don’t have to wash this one!”
10. Not a quotation, but a priceless expression: the look of utter horror when Uncle Simon – in an attempt to prove that his underwear was light gray, not white – accidentally mooned Elaine. The adults present could not stop laughing, not at Simon, but at Elaine. (As promised, Jane, we’ll chip in on Elaine’s therapy.)